My Biggest Mistake

(Written August 25, 2005 *Post Bonnie and Clyde Relationship*)

Dedicated to — the most wonderful friends a person can have

It is normal for humans to fear lonliness, to want someone by their side and to belong to a loving relationship. In fact, a lot of us are forever searching for our perfect match, our soulmate, our partner in life… The one person we can give out hearts to.

I thought I’ve found that person. And, because, I truly love him I gave all my attention and all the love that I have to him. That was my biggest crime. It turned out we were never meant to be. Because I was needy of his love, I failed to remember that there are other people in my life who love me. For the longest time, I was a wreck. And, I had my friends and family running in circles just to cure me of my depression. I even had a couple of friends race to my house at the most ungodly time of the day just to stop me from commiting suicide. After that incident, one of them would come to my house everytime I was depressed just to talk some sense into me. I also have an aunt who would wake up at dawn just to keep me company, listen to my angst and assure that I am not a bad person. My dad would also call me up almost everyday just to ask how I am. I was blessed but I failed to see that. Instead, I felt cursed. I felt unloved. I felt inferior… And, now I feel stupid.

I am not cursed, unloved or inferior. I was blind and stupid. Maybe a little bit selfish too. But, now I’m a little wiser. I used to believe that the only constant thing is change. But, now, I also believe that another constant thing is love. And, sometimes, we tend to feel that it is non-existent because we are not looking at the right direction. We can be so obsessed with romantic love that we forget that it has other forms. And, because of that, we hurt the people who truly love us. I am guilty of that crime.

I allowed someone to compromise my safety when there are so many people around me doing everything they can to keep me safe. I had the gall to attempt suicide and to say that I should’ve died when there are so many people around me who are relieved to see me live through an accident. I bet I’m a record holder in Capitol Med for having the most visitors.

I was already loved and I didn’t know it. Worse, I devalued the love and the care the people around me have for me. I may not be perfect but I do believe that they wouldn’t have so much love for me if I didn’t have lovable qualities. And, I feel stupid for not seeing that and believing that I am lesser than I am.

Now, I don’t feel unloved anymore. I just feel stupid and sorry for not realizing that sooner. I also feel thankful that I have such people in my life. I felt unloved because I looked for it in the wrong person. I felt betrayed because I gave my trust to the wrong friend. But, I know better now… Right now, I’m not crying because I’m hurt. I’m crying because I’m happy.

Arigatou gozaimasu!